Break My Plans

"Break my plans, shape my heart, take my will to where You are. Move my mind through Your word, 'til all that I am lives to love You, Lord." This is the prayer of a Romanian hymn writer as he sat in prison for writing songs about the Lord. Waiting on God's timing and trusting His plan.
How often I have waited to understand God's plans. Wanting desperately to figure out what He was doing and why. Four years after our first child was born, I became pregnant again. So much was going on in our lives at the time that I found explanations for all the signs of pregnancy. To name a few, I was over emotional, yet I'd just lost my baby brother. I seemed to get tired very easily, yet we'd just moved to allow Dennis to finish his college degree and I'd just transferred to a new job that was very demanding. So many other little signs, easily assigned to other reasoning. Then, the day of reckoning came. I finally took the test confirming all my hopes, I was pregnant. Though it was unexpected, I was extremely excited. I decided to wait on the announcement until my parents visit the following week. They'd already told me it was time to move my baby things out of the attic, so they were bringing them with them. I couldn't wait until that Saturday would arrive. I had written them a little card announcing their new grandchild's expected date of arrival. Jamie's birthday was also upon us and we anticipated it to be a great weekend of celebration.
Friday night, while working the closing shift, I realized something was wrong. I called my supervisor and told him I felt I needed to see a doctor immediately. Though I was in no pain at the time, I knew it could be a complication and I should not go without bringing it to the doctors attention. It was a chaotic evening and after examining me, the doctor informed me that I might be miscarrying. I was to go home and basically be on bed rest until something happened. The pain and discomfort arrived quickly the next day and then proceeded to be the most painful thing I've ever experienced even to this day. It was October 29, 1995.
The physical pain was excruciating, yet could not outweigh the emotional pain of losing a child. Jamie had lay next to me talking to his new sibling just days before. Dennis and I shared the excitement and anticipation of this child's birth, even if it was only recent news. Our hearts were flooded with sadness at this loss and we were not sure how to mourn. Our minds were overwhelmed with questions. What happened? How? Why? We moved forward trusting that God was bigger than all this and through Him, we would find comfort and healing for our hearts. And that, we did. I knew that God had allowed me one child to raise and I would not take that for granted in the midst of all that had happened. We pressed on, grateful for what we had. Serving Him and seeking His perfect will for our lives.
Four years had passed. Dennis graduated and took a job teaching middle school band. We were excited to move forward in life and with his career. Again, I became pregnant. I was ecstatic about another child. And then...again, we had lost our child. It was October 19, 1999.
A whirlwind of emotions circled my heart. Finally the stabbing pain settled in piercing deeply. This time, I mourned both losses. I didn't know how to mourn the first time, so everything must have been stored somewhere. Not fully healed as I thought. God sent amazing comfort through our christian friends and family. And then He sent another blessing...again, a child.
Three months after the miscarriage, I was carrying my fourth child. I could not pray for a healthy child at first. I just prayed selfishly that whatever happened, I would trust His plan. The first doctor's visit I got to hear the heartbeat. The tears flowed and a physical peace ran from my head to my toes. God was physically telling me it was well. The doctor sent for Jamie to see the heartbeat on the screen. When he entered the room, the doctor spoke to him as if he were the only one there. He pointed to the heart on the screen and explained that it was the baby's heart beating. Jamie welled up with tears amazed. I knew I could trust God's plan, no matter the outcome.
John was born October 18, 2000. He is a constant reminder of the peace that passes understanding when we trust God's plan for our lives. When we trust His heart for our future. He was born seven and a half weeks early. God miraculously gave him the breath he needed to thrive. He has no developmental obstacles and is an amazing young man, sensitive to God and to people.
Though God had given me two sons to raise, my heart still longed for more children, and hoped for a girl one day as well. It was constantly something I desired, but four years had passed since John was born. I began to wonder if that was God's plan for me. Maybe I would not have another child. The possibility seemed to be fading as time passed. I prayed, asking God to change the desire of my heart if this was not his will for us. I left it in His hand the best I could.
As February came around, I made my yearly appointment for a check up. It was my birthday, of all days, but the only time I seemed to be able to schedule it. Routine, they did a pregnancy test. The nurse called me over and as if I knew what she was going to say, my heart leaped. She confirmed that I was pregnant. I was overwhelmed with tears. I thought I had given up that hope. In reality, I guess I'd only given it to God's hands, trusting Him to carry out His plan. He had given me the desire of my heart when I allowed His will to be my desire. I had allowed Him to break my plans and shape my heart. Though I was given ten weeks of bed rest to insure her development before she arrived, I was sure God was in control. We spent a lot of time together in those weeks. I was learning to trust more fully and He was confirming that He would provide for my every need and be there to lead. He was preparing me spiritually as well as physically for her arrival. She was born September 27,2004.
These are just the beginnings of God's work in the lives of each of us. Through each mile of life's journey, we have grown in His mercy and grace. He continues to lead us in a life with hope and a future that will bring Him glory. I continue to pray, "Break my plans" so I can live for Him, in His perfect will.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Trust His plans enough to let go of your own. Seek His will and it will become the desire of your heart. He is compassionate and faithful. You can trust Him and not be afraid.

Come Before Winter

November 10,1990. That was the day I married my best friend. It was a beautiful fall afternoon. The leaves had begun their color transformation, turning their lush green into a blazing array of a warm yellow, fiery orange and a touch of deep garnet at their edges. Like flames that warm you from a fire stabilizing the heat from the erratic blue flame that had found strength to insure it was powerful enough to set ablaze. Extreme, yet pure, and unable to deny it's heat. Now, the color testifies that it is stable, secure and sure of it's course. Autumn.

Winter had passed not so long before. Though it was sure to come full circle again. I could not even think of what the next winter would bring. The last one left me chilled and longing for Spring. It had been an unexpectedly long one. Longer than I'd experienced in my life. I suppose that is easily explained though. I had just turned twenty-three when it was looking to come to an end. This was a pleasant surprise. I guess I had grown accustomed to winter and the never ending chill of the air. Always pictured as the time when snow would cover the earth, hiding it's scars. Or was it healing and preparing for the life that would explode in radiant colors soon? It was comforting to have a warm blanket, like the shelter of a wing, to snuggle in when the days were pressing to be too cold to bear. I knew Spring would come though I'd lost track of the days. Now it was lurking just around the corner like a child playing hide-n-seek, only wanting to be found.

A pleasant breeze approached quietly. Behind it was a hint of warmth that enveloped my very being. I wasn't numb as I had anticipated I might be. It was refreshing and invigorating to feel the warmth and see the dead of winter fading as life pressed up from the earth beneath my feet and from the branches above me. The trees had been stripped of their color when the winds of the cold winter nights blew. Now, they were budding in hints of a brilliant green that burst forth singing of new life. I watched the new growth with amazement. Intrigued when the flowers started blooming. One by one,, they declared their arrival. An array of colors, bright and beautiful, rejoicing in the sunshine as it bathed everything it touched with it's gentle warm touch. Effortlessly,as if no time had passed, it was Spring.

Everything was in full bloom and full of entrancing fragrances. The earth called the oceans wave by wave. Laughter and love in the air at the water's edge, shouting to the highest mountain tops. The trees waved back in response to their call. The journey would soon begin. As Summer slowed to pass on, the nights became cooler, drawing us closer.

Reflective of the discovery that the seasons would keep drawing us forward, we made plans to celebrate. We invited everyone we could think of, hoping they would be present on this exhilarating day of declaration. Though time stood still, it was only for a brief moment and then- Then it had flown by as if there were no tomorrow. The leaves had begun their colorful transformation, turning their lush green into a blazing array of a warm yellow, fiery orange and a touch a deep garnet at their edges. A picture to be captured. A season to behold. Today, we would declare our Autumn.

This season we declared would be best described as our element. Autumn, a declared commitment to a lifetime of love, reflecting on the gift God had given us. First, His love and life through Him. That was an Autumn that came in the Spring for both of us, decades apart. Then, a commitment to love each other for a lifetime together. Though we were well aware the seasons of life would come and go in a continuous cycle, we would stop and reflect in Autumn.

And so it is with life and love. Though we face the cold of Winter, there will come a Spring. As life catches us again and helps us to run, even soar as we press on, not stopping short of Summer, where love and life call for us. Pausing in Autumn to answer, reflecting, as to not pass too quickly through the experiences and relationships God has given us. A time of gratitude and commitment.

I celebrate my irrevocable love and commitment in marriage to my best friend today, November 10, 2009. This is Autumn. Showing its' most deep and brilliant colors, not to be forgotten in winter and promising Spring.
Winter will follow Autumn. Let your leaves turn and declare your commitment to those you love. Respond to those who call to love you. To a God who has called you by name. It will bring a promise, a hope, of Spring. Come before Winter.